......and I CRIED

"Sister Gladys, I’d like to see you later please", the pastor's wife said. "Chei! What have I done or haven't done this time?, I exclaimed to no one in particular in the almost empty church auditorium . "Finally", I continued as I drove for my appointment with the Pastor's wife. "Sister Carol has had enough of my constant "harassment" over her height issue that she has reported me. You see, I love sister carol but she is pint size compared to my gigantic frame. So I've made it a personal honour to plead her case with the lord and "bully" her to achieve my goal! I'm tired of talking with her from my vantage tall position and it’s even more awkward when I wear heels (what is my crime in wanting the best for a sister in the lord?). After I'd settled in the church office and exchanged the usual pleasantries with my rather shy but amiable pastor's wife, the matter was worse than I envisaged. "Sister G", she said. "The lord wants you to FORGIVE your baby's dad and forgive yourself”. That came as a shock because she was not privy to my dramatic past. Moreover, I had forgiven my son's dad, hadn't I? I'd done the "religious act" of forgiving but deep down I was hurting and bitter. I was hurting that he'd treated me shabbily and tossed me out like trash to cater for "our baby" alone. Moreover, I thought moving on and starting a new life was all it took to address the past and heal my wounds. I've realised it’s never that simple. You see, healing is a process and not an act of magic. You don’t just wave a magic wand to make a pain disappear or a wound to heal up. It is a process that requires conscious effort. The process is always painful but necessary for proper healing to occur. Remember iodine? It is a solution used to disinfect bruises or wound and accelerate healing. It stings and even the brave may cry but it does what it says on the bottle. After, I survived an accident in which I lost three fingers on my right hand; I thought the doctors were a mean bunch anytime they came to change my dressings. removing the blood soaked bandage would hurt even before the actual cleaning and dressing would start. It was never the doctor's intention to hurt but to heal.....however they inadvertently hurt me in the process. Today, I'm grateful for the hurt as they were able to save my hand if not all my fingers. So with God. He desires a thorough spiritual surgical removal of bitterness and forgiveness for proper restoration and healing to occur. God wants to restore man to WHOLENESS. However, it does not mean there won’t be scars! After the Holy Spirit revealed the true nature of my heart, I STARTED TO CRY. I cried for the little girl that struggled all her life to be accepted and be acknowledged. I cried for the teenage girl that craved acceptance in the arms of different men but was only left with a hollow feeling in her heart. I cried for the woman who thought a career and financial independence were the -only seal of approval she needed. I cried for the mother who had to struggle to love her child because in his eyes she saw his father. In the little boy's brokenness she saw a reflection of past failures returning to hunt her. I cried because in that moment, the spirit that searches the heart showed me the truth. I’d been leaving a lie and going through the motions of Christianity without truly living the TRUTH. I cried for the lost years and opportunities lost but best of all I cried because of the future. I cried because the festering wound of the past was finally being treated properly and not covered or wished away. Delving into the past hurt but that is the first step to healing. Forgiving hurts but it’s a necessary process for healing. That day, I cried not about the past but in excitement about the future and the second chance it held out. The journey to wholeness was finally set in motion.

A MOTHER'S DILEMMA

"Dinaaah", Leah called out. "Where is that lazy little missy? she asked the servant sweeping the courtyard. "She's gone visiting the women of the land", the servant girl answered. "This girl will not bring the death of me", Leah said and went back into the house. It was a bright, sunny day and the heat was in its element. Leah had all sorts of plans laid out for the day. The boys’ clothes needed mending and there was lunch to prepare. It’s not easy running a house full of boys; she could barely catch up with their huge appetite not with their constantly changing and diverse needs. Pheew! She muttered as she wondered what she could drum up for them that would not start a quarrel! She really was not in the mood and the heat was not helping matters. Suddenly, Leah heard a commotion outside. Out of curiosity, she looked out of the window and almost fainted. She drew her robe around her and ran outside. It was Dinah being carried in by the servants. Her worst fears were confirmed! Her daughter was dead! With her heart in her mouth she moved closer to the servants who were clustered round the still figure of her daughter. The servants cleared a path for her as she drew closer. "What happened to my baby", she wailed. At the sound of her mother's voice, the still figure on the ground moved and opened her arms for the comfort that only a mother could provide. With tears in her eyes, Leah hugged her baby as the young girl cried like her heart was broken. Indeed her heart was broken. She'd been violated! Raped! Leah pulled Dinah into her arms praying the pain away, wanting her daughter's pain to be HER PAIN. She wanted to be the one who's was violated. She could bear the pain but Dinah was her little girl too young for life's pain or any pain. Without a word, she led the broken girl into the house and gently stripped off the blood stained clothes from her body. The water cleaned her body but it could not wash the damage that had been done to her little girl. Leah gently led Dinah into her room, wrapped her in a blanket and tried to warm a young heart that had gone cold. "Lord, where did I go wrong? leah wondered. She'd suffered all her life. Ridiculed for her "weak eyes" while growing up and unloved by her husband...not to mention having to share the said man with her sister. She'd done her best to protect her kids now this! What would people say? "God why? “Mummy I'm sorry", Dinah whispered and started to cry again. "It’s ok, my darling", Leah reassured her. But she had her fears. "Hush little baby, don’t you cry," she sang. "mamma's gonna buy you a mocking bird, and if the mocking bird wont sing, mamma's gonna buy you a diamond ring". She continued singing until she heard the quiet but husky breathing of her little girl gone to sleep. This "assumed scenario" in Genesis 34 played out in my mind as I watched Joshua play with the toys in the Doctor's surgery. I'd noticed something was wrong when he was less than a year and I'd shared my concerns to my GP who referred us to the children's hospital. This visit was a confirmation of my fears-A MOTHER'S NIGHTMARE. Every parent desires the best for their children and worry when something goes wrong or a child does not grow as expected. The initial feeling is SELF BLAME and the questions start to roll. Where did I go wrong? What have I done to deserve this? Could it be something in my Past? Then ANGER, BITTERNESS,DISAPPOINTMENT, REGRETS,SHAME SELF PITY AND RECRIMATIONS, DEPRESSION etc. Can you understand the pain of being ashammed of your own child and disappointed? I felt all that and more. In all I have learnt it was not my fault neither are the challenges you face your fault. Sometimes this thing happen that we might NEED GOD AND LEAN ON HIM. Even if it was your fault, all the more reason to NEED HIM like I do now more than ever. It’s been a challenge with Joshua but it’s a good challenge (I wouldn't exchange the experience for the world). I sometimes worry when I'm not with him and hope other kids don’t take advantage of Him. These concerns are normal but since I'm not OMNIPRESENT or OMNISCIENT, I gladly hand over the situation to one who IS-PROBLEM SOLVED. Leah could not control the actions of her sons when they heard about what happened to their sister but she could ease the pain of her baby girl. I have learnt in the process that the best thing I can do for my baby is to leave him In God's hands and not worry my head off. Worry never changes the situation but GOD CAN. He is FAITHFUL TO HIS WORDS. I daily bless Joshua with the word and declare God's promises upon His life. I lay claim to Healing scriptures because it’s MEDICINE TO OUR FLESH “For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh”. Proverbs 4:22 I have also let go of the VICTIM'S MENTALITY AND EMBRACED THE VICTOR'S ATTITUDE because I know “that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. Rom 8:28.

Journey to a healthier me

I woke up this morning feeling *frisky*(it’s that feeling you feel when...you know what I mean...and Yes! I still have those feelings-I'm human albeit one abstaining from SEX b4 marriage). So I decided to soak this hungry body in a luxurious bath complete with candles. After setting the perfect scene, I got into the strawberry scented bath and bring on heaven! Haaaaa! However, before I could enjoy my much anticipated gratifying soak, I faced two problems. 1. I could barely fit in the tub. 2. There was absolutely nothing sexy or flattering about my folds floating above the water! Seriously. That brief experience dashed my dreams of having a scintillating bath and flushed that sexy feeling right out of my head. I REALLY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. My excess weight is not only cramping my style but crushing my libido and crashing the fantasy of a SEXY ME. I'd started a journey to a better me last year but my effort went down the drain because I was not serious enough. I completely lost the plot during my visit to Nigeria (I just could not resist my sister-in-law's cooking). Beyond the urgent need to be SEXY again or more importantly fit in my bath tub, I need to lose weight because of my health. I went for a medical examination yesterday and the result was ALARMING. The results showed that I NEEDED to drop a WHOPPING 60kg!!! So right now I'm logging two of me around. I realised my organs were created to carry a single me so the other half is definitely EXCESS LUGGAGE. Today, I have decided to start another journey and this time with the element of COMMITMENT AND SELF RESTRAINT-commitment to my weight loss goals and self-restraint from indulging in every food that catches my fancy. Joel Osteen in a sermon titled "SAY NO TO YOUR FEELINGS" made a cogent point that caught my attention. He said "you can’t follow your flesh and expect victory". Romans 8:8 "Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God".

The truth is you can’t live a victorious healthy spiritual and physical life if you don’t exercise SELF RESTRAINT and be committed to your goals. Jesus achieved his success because he was committed to the vision of reconciling man back to God if not he should have given up and made a dash for his dear life when the first flesh ripping lash landed on his back(I know I would have and would not even look back. Lol) but he was committed that's why he bore the shame and indignity of the cross for you and I. Exercising self-restraint by sticking to a healthy diet and giving up on junk food is really going to be PAINFUL but the end result is so gonna be worth it. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.2 Cor 4:17. So I'm setting aside scriptures to encourage myself on this new journey and enlisting the support of a dear friend (I need an accountable partner with the help of THE HOLY SPIRIT). If Jesus could suffer that brutal beating for the joy of a better glory that was set before him, then I can endure eating less junk and exercising more. Bring on the TREADMILL *SOB*SOB*SOB*....nobody said it’s not gonnna be painful *sob*

A NEW WAY, A BETTER WAY.

"Let me just give him a gentle wack on the bum", I argued with the Holy Spirit. "nothing too painful, just enough to get him to behave", I persisted while trying to quickly place my fresh laundry into the hot press so I could fulfil that pressing need to give Joshua a smacking that he'll not forget in a hurry. In my quest to get that piece of work done quickly, I almost toppled down my mini ladder. "Oh gosh", I muttered while trying to maintain a proper balance without falling off and breaking my neck. "You better take it easy and not hurt yourself", that still gentle voice said. "Go down stairs and find out what the fuss is all about but don't smack him". "Ok", I conceded and stumped not too gently down the stairs so the Holy Spirit would know how I felt about not giving Josh some good old "smakaroo". I felt cheated off a good old fashion smacking after all the bible said "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly" Proverbs 13:14. I felt the Holy Spirit was denying me the Justice I so wanted to lash out by screaming my lungs out. I'd given him his favourite meal right after school, played with him before going up to do my chores, so what could be the problem? After ruling out all other possibilities that I could draw up in my head, I felt a good old fashioned discipline was well deserved. On getting into the living room, I gently asked him what the matter was instead of shouting which would have been my initial response to his tantrums. I felt stupid doing the coey doey stuff because that's not me. I DO SHOUT AND I DO IT WELL...but not today. I'd decided to try a different way by obeying the Holy Spirit and it turned out to be a better way. Josh calmed down faster with my gentle words and hugs. It is not always easy adjusting to new things. There is that awkward moments of fitting in especially when you've mastered the old. For instance starting out on a diet leaves one painfully hungry(or maybe its only me cos i'm even more hungry now than ever). I remember how it felt driving my friend's new car when mine was broken. It was awkward initially until I mastered the new features and driving became "easy peasy", much better than my old banger (now I hate my car...*sob*sob*sob*) Peter had a similar experience. Imagine Jesus, the son of a carpenter telling Peter who had a Masters in Fisheries to launch out into the deep to catch fish! What audacity! Peter had been toiling all night! He'd tossed his net to the north, west, east and south of the sea and had caught nothing. After his initial protest, he gave into Jesus's request and got a MIND BLOWING TESTIMONY. The difference between his first attempt and the second was OBEDIENCE TO THE WORD. Instead of rebellion, he chose the better way-OBEDIENCE. He wouldn't have got that terrific result if Jesus was not in the boat with him. The old way is full of frustration, emptiness, pain, loss even death. However in Christ there is A NEW WAY, A BETTER WAY that leads to life. It's not always easy but so worth it. I don't shout at Josh anymore and the result is beautiful. I'm enjoying a better and healthier relationship with my boy. P.S my wrinkles have also reduced.

Celebrate what?

It was *Nonye's* birthday and we were determined to paint the town red. Surprisingly, the five ladies crammed into the car were all single mums. As Nonye jokingly said "Ireland is a haven for single mums" and we all laughingly agreed but that is an issue for another day. I don't get to go out much often so was determined to milk this night for all it was worth(the venue for the night's escapade yet unknown as Nonye was keeping it as a closely guarded secret-her way of heightening the suspence and thrill of the day). As the car angled slowly to Drogheda I noticed a slight frown on the celebrant's face. "What is the matter", I asked through the din of the other ladies conversation and burst of sporadic laughter. "My dad called me today to wish me a happy birthday", she answered. "So", I said. "After the usual plesantries, he told me to go ahead and celebrate if there is anything worth celebrating. I find that statement kind of strange and upsetting" she continued with a glimmer of tears in her eyes. "hmmmm", I mused for a while. Nonye was a single mum and has lived abroad for 10 years without the requisite resident permit. Thirty years old, no husband in sight, unemployed and with tightened immigration policies, her situation looked dismal from any onlookers perspective. "your father meant no harm", I told her. "even the bible says "teach us to number our days,That we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12). " Its his way of telling you to review your life. so pucker up gal", I adviced and gently punched her in the sides.

As I celebrate my birthday, I reminisce on that night five years. Why do I celebrate? I'm a single mum with a disability, unemployed,etc.So what is there to celebrate? I came into Ireland years ago a broken, sad, lonely pregnant woman. All my life's dream and aspiration had crashed around me. A friend once said "it was a relationship that ended not my life" but for me that rejection tipped me over the edge. I'd been through a lot of abuse growing up, my fragile emotions had taken its fair share of bashing and couldn't take anymore. I forgot how to smile and couldnt find joy in my child. I even lost my sense of humour and forgot how to be sexy(a whole Don Mama G became a recluse, an unsexy one at that) The challenges of life became too much but I was too much of a coward to end it all or rather something deep within me knew my little boy needed his mummy and that thought kept me going. Waking up and going through the motion of living became the order of my life. I was no longer living but EXISTING until JESUS FOUND AND RESCUED ME.....AGAIN. Since then, its been a slow recovery process-leaning and trusting the lord every step of the way....like a recovering alcoholic, there's no rushing the detox. I've got my self confidence back and I'm proud of how far I've come. I may not have the "usual trappings" neither do I lack basic necessities. Along the way, I've equipped myself with skills to make a difference to my generation so I am not lazy. The future is beautiful and no longer bleak-I SEE CLEARLY. I know my worth! The bible says I'm Priceless. So what do I celebrate? EVERYTHING! RENEWED HOPE AND A FUTURE ENGRAVED IN CHRIST. No man can take that from me. I wrote on my Facebook profile that I found my very first grey hair this morning but I wasn't bothered. I call it my WISDOM HAIR as I have officially joined THE EXTRAORDINARY LEAGUE OF WISE PEOPLE. I am so blessed by your good will greetings and love. DHL has never been this innaundated with parcels before(by faith) but keep it coming till Dec 31st 2013 i'll still be collecting gifts-real estate inclusive. Monetary gifts accepted Euros, pounds , dollars even naira(but in millions. explain to EFFCC that its a gift and not money laundering!!). With this level of love, guess its time to contest election both in Nigeria and Ireland. Love y'all

Little distractions

"Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" Hebrews 12:2 "Josh, we are home", I called out as the train pulled into the station. I struggled with my shopping bags while managing to pull Joshua out of the train at the same time. Something wasn't right I thought as I alighted but I couldn’t put my finger to it. I quickly looked around me. I had sat in the last coach so it took a moment to walk to the station building. "Something is definitely wrong I muttered to myself and hurried towards the next available coach. Everything looked as it ought to until I got closer to the station building "What station is this? I asked the traffic controller who was right in front me. "Kildare, what stop are you going to? He asked. "Athy, I answered, quickly jumping back into the train with Josh and my plenty bags. I had gotten off at the wrong stop! I've been taking the Waterford train for the past seven years and consider myself King of the route but today I found myself missing the way. All it took was a simple distraction. I'd been watching a video on my phone and enjoying some good old mother-son bonding time with Joshua that I'd not noted the stations as the train zoomed on. When the train pulled into Kildare, I just assumed it was my expected destination and jumped out into the cold with Joshua. Thank God the train pulled into Kildare station ahead of schedule and had to wait a while if not I would have been stranded and made to wait for the next Waterford bound train which was an hour away. An hour wait isn't too bad you may think but at that time I had a very hungry little boy who couldn't wait to get home to dinner and prayer meeting to get to. Being stranded with a hungry boy wasn't part of my plans for the day. Everything was hey ok until the seemingly harmless on board entertainment became an unwelcome distraction. Lesson Learnt! It takes a simple distraction to lose the plot in 2013.

Even the most carefully laid plans and resolutions can go up in flames if not well adhered to. Sometimes the distractions we allow are harmless enough but the consequences dire. You cheat on a diet once or twice and believe me its hard to get back on track. I've purposed not to be slothful or presumptuous this year. It’s not going to be easy but I'm ready to go the whole nine yards. I'm determined to MAKE IT. Next time I'll leave the entertainment for later and concentrate on the journey. Ecclesiastes 3:1 there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. I was lucky to get back on the train but on some of life's issue it might not be that simple. So take heed this 2013. FOCUS IS THE KEY. KEEP TO THE GOAL. WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT Picture curtesy www.zdnet.com

A New Beginning

Hurray 2013 is here!! It seemed far away but finally it is here. This is despite the rumours of the world coming to an end in 2012 (no thanks to that epic disaster movie aptly titled 2012, a film about the world coming to an end at that particular year! Thank God it didn't end because poor me did not have any food in storage ahead of the "anticipated" volcanic eruption, ice age, flooding, earthquake, alien invasion etc. hmmm, I'm sure hunger would have gotten me first before the disasters or aliens, serious! Note to self: stock the house with ENOUGH GRUB before the next probable apocalypse or alien invasion whichever comes first).Thankfully, against the odds we survived yet again. It is something to celebrate. Experiencing the first day of a new year is so exciting as it means YOU ARE ALIVE. Alive to what? Alive to HOPE, alive to NEWNESS, alive to OPPORTUNITIES. It’s not a time to mull over past mistakes and opportunities missed but a time for a fresh start, a new beginning.Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, Phil 3:15 There is something fascinating about new things. The fresh smell that accompanies a freshly purchased product, the tear-rubber feeling of a new car and the smell of new leather, no old musty or rusty smell, nothing but FRESHNESS. I LOVE NEW! That is what 2013 represents - fresh page to make happen whatsoever you desire and dream of. In Gen 1, God was presented with a blank canvas to work on. He could have left it blank but He chose to create the world and everything therein. He also had the prerogative to create anything anyhow but he had a plan, a plan he followed meticulously for six days before He rested on the seventh day. I also observed that God did not overstretch Himself but did as much work as could each day. He also made a point to commend Himself and His creation at the end of each day.Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. Gen 1:31 . In 2013, I've decided to follow heaven's strategy of creation, to make happen my desires and not leave my life to chance. There is a saying that "IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL". I don’t want that to be my story for 2013. A lot of people including me experienced pain, tragedy, disappointment, betrayal, stagnancy, loss etc. in 2012 but that is yesterday today is a brand new day. Don't let the pain of yesterday ruin your today and the opportunities it brings. LET GO AND LET GOD. Instead of allowing Chaos to continue to reign in our lives just at it did in the beginning of the world before God took charge, this is the time to TAKE CONTROL, BE CREATIVE, EMBRACE THE NEW. I'm grateful for 2012 but expectant in 2013. Let's scale new heights together, it’s a brand new year. Lets live and not simply exist this year. WELCOME TO 2013. HAPPY NEW YEAR.