Friday, 25 December 2009

walking on broken heels

I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I turned and looked at Josh's sleepy face. Oh he's so handsome and has grown so big! How time flies. I sighed and snuggled dipper under the duvet.I really don't feel like getting out of bed. its so cold and I feel too lazy to go downstairs and switch on the heater.I'd rather freeze my butt than log them off this cosy positon. "wetin sef" i muttered as my phone buzzed on the bedside table." i am just not in the mood for idle natter with anybody.
My phone has actually been buzzing for the past half hour with friends texting good will messages for the new year.But I'm not in the mood to be nice. Its Christmas but it feels like I'm in another time zone, another planet entirely. My mind flashed over the ups and down of the past year and the pain crept in. The betrayal and rejection felt like an old wound that has refused to heal.A scar that reflects battles fought-lost and won. I sobbed quietly, didn't want to wake josh up at least not yet. Don't want him to see mama teary eyed and sad on a seemingly beautiful and happy day.
"God once again i hand over my fears and pain into your holy hands" i prayed."wrap me in your warm embrace, heal my broken heart and my wounds.fill me with the joy of Christmas. Help me celebrate and appreciate the birth of Christ in Jesus name". Well,time to get up and get ready for the day.lots of Xmas parties to attend and friends to hook up with.Now for the perfect party dress. Don't want to look like something the cat dragged in.
I chose to pair a dark blue skinny jeans and silk top with some killer heels. "hope i can walk in them" i thought to myself.Despite the obvious discomfort,nothing was gonna make me change my mind.
most women love shoes and would spend a fortune to increase and improve their collections. I've seen friends including myself suffer blistering pain, blisters and God help us, occasional twisted ankle and body ache for the sake of looking good in a pair of heels.who said looking good was easy! We've so mastered the art of looking good while enduring pain. Have you ever wondered how a woman can still look good and be having intense menstrual pain?
it has become easy to hide under the cover of make up and designer clothes when we are truly hurting inside. Pretence has become second nature with men and women doubled over in pain, robbed off their joy by circumstances but still smiling.Many times the loud boisterous laughter could be hiding betrayal,rejection, hurt,loss,abuse etc. What will happen if God for one second would allow humans to glimpse and read each others mind.I wonder!!!
Human beings are like onions with layers. If you are patient with that annoying friend or boss,you'll realise that angry disposition only hides a vulnerability. we are so scared to reveal our softer sides that we'd rather push people away than allow anybody get close. Its nobody's fault sha! most times, vulnerability are used as a weapon to hurt more by the people you confide in.
But there is one person I've made up my mind never to hide from-Jesus. I'd rather be naked and not be ashamed with Him than log my trash around with me everyday. He promised in his words "come unto me all ye that labour and are broken hearted and I'll give you rest".
"You'll experience all kinds of ugly situations in this fallen world. But the more you learn to trust that God is in ultimate control of what you're going through, the more you'll see beauty emerge from the ugliness"(culled from Sheila Walsh'book Beautiful Things happen When a woman trusts God).
God never promised that there will be no hurt but he promised to walk you through the issues that threaten to knock you down..
My dear, i am not perfect.Underneath that lovely smile is a little girl walking on broken heels.Its difficult to maintain a lovely poise and elegance on broken heels but I'm leaning on a friend whose shoulders are broad enough to hold me lest i fall again.He is there to catch me when I fall cos he knows I'm walking on broken heels.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Twisted & Bitter.

"watch where you are going" she screamed at the little boy before grabbing him by his shirt collar and practically dragging him to her car. "Take it easy or you'll hurt him" I cautioned her." as if I care" she replied. "his useless father just saddled me with a problem child and abandoned us and you want me to take it easy? please stay out of this matter". "now u fasten your seat belt before I toss you into the nearest river i can find" she shouted again at the little boy". I reached out to help him with the belt but the lad cringed back into his seat fearing i was about to hit him. I sighed and sank into my seat wondering what had bought about this awful mood in my friend.
we were both quiet on the 10 minutes drive home except for Henry who'd started singing "twinkle Twinkle little star" in the back seat. Oh bless him, I thought to myself. children are so wonderful and innocent. Already he has forgotten and probably forgiven his mum for lashing out at him. poor dude-caught in the bitter feud between his parents.
Nkechi is not a bad person neither is she a bad mother. she is just a victim of many unfortunate events. We met at a church gathering and clicked immediately. Many wondered if we were childhood friends as we did everything together and were as tight as a pack of wolves.
Despite the bond we shared, we had different personalities. Nkechi had a cold veneer with an annoying habit of pushing people away while I was a people- person; very capricious to a fault(not my fault,I'm a shameless sanguine). She is very distrustful of everyone, protective and jealous of the few friends she's got. Initially, I found her difficult to understand until I heard her story. Life was tough, her childhood worse!!! Nkechi survived a polygamous upbringing against all odds. Abandoned by her frail and often abused mother,ignored by a drunk father,she learnt to fend for herself from an early age. She recounted the nights she went to bed cold and hungry as her father's wives could not be bothered by a rival's child. "many times i ran away from home to escape only to return as the outside world was worse" she had told me.
Eventually, she found an escape in Tony. He promised her the world and gave her the world in the endless gifts and attention that she craved. But everything changed after they got married and moved to England. He became a drunken slob and abusive. she returned from work one night to find he's gone leaving her with their 3 year old boy.
He hurt her! He hurt her real bad! The memories of their separation is a scar that throbs every time anyone mentions his name.Now she sees her little boy as a constant reminder of her failure as a wife and person. she is always yelling and screaming at the boy blaming him for all her problems.
I know she loves him but she is finding it difficult to move beyond the harsh blows life has dealt her to enjoy the blessing she has got in her son
Bitterness and unforgiveness is a kill joy. These negative forces quietly and slowly destroys a person. Nobody said life was easy.We've all been through issues and been hurt but we have a choice to forgive, forget and move on. Life is too short to dwell on the past or negative emotions. Everyday is an opportunity to open a new page and start something new. Forgiveness is a mandate from God because it is an healing balm.It gives peace to a troubled heart. When a person harbours grudges and bitterness its like a festering wound that never heals.
My friend is a born again christian but has not experienced God has the balm of Gilead.She is still going about with her pain and bitterness robbing her son off a healthy relationship. when we transfer aggression to innocent kids we contribute in building an emotionally warped and unstable future.
Unforgiveness is a whirlwind that destroys lives in its wake, leaving trails of devastation everywhere it me an unforgiving person and I'll show you a bitter and twisted person(they roll together, you cant separate one from the other). If you cant recall a happy day filled with friends and laughter,where and what is the joy of living?
I pray Nkechi realises the treasure she's got in her son before its too late. A life of regrets is not worth living.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Too Posh To Laugh.

The journey home from school on the Waterford bound train is usually a very long and boring one. Everyone is tired from a hard day at work.The babies are cranky from the stuffiness of the train while the few adults that could stay awake during the trip have their heads buried in books or magazines. Today's journey was no different except for the infectious laughter from four elegantly dressed women sitted two rows from me. I wondered what was making them laugh. I was tired and hungry, couldn't wait to get home to my lovely son and have an early night.
They were giggling like school girls and it was obvious they must be old friends who'd gotten together for a date. I couldn't help but eavesdrop on their conversation. They talked about everything on that hour long trip before I got off at my stop. They shared memories:weddings, divorces,births, deaths even that damm crippling Brian Lenihan's budget. However,what struck me most was that no matter the topic of discussion, there was a sporadic and constant burst of laughter in their conversation.
Its been a long time that I heard such infectious, uncontrolled laughter.Those women were practically in stitches in the midst of gloom and depression.Everywhere you turn its an outbreak of bad news-climate change, recession, war, murder,nameless and countless diseases. Hmmmmm! God help us!
My nameless elegant ladies were a breath of fresh air on the usually uninteresting journey. They had something to laugh about despite the sadness that underlined some of their stories. I looked behind my shoulders to catch another glimpse of my new friends only to find other people watching them with fascination.
Laughter is a magnetic force that attracts like a moth to an open flame and happy people light up a room. Happy people are always at the centre of attention,the cynosure of every eye. Two of my favourite Hollywood stars with million dollar smiles are Julia Robert and Cheryl Cole. They've got this humongous smile that is so endearing.
Nobody wants to hang around party poopers with gloomy looks.Gloomy people are usually pessimists and depressing to be around.
Have you noticed that the most prominent feature about Victoria Beckham is not her tiny frame, the wicked heels or the designer ensemble but the petulant smile-less look on her face. Its like someone ran over her cat or the housekeeper burnt her favourite Gucci suit! Get off your high horse woman, take a chill pill and relax!You'll live longer! She reminds me of a frozen pizza albeit an expensive looking one.
Laughter is free and contagious. It spreads quickly and would definitely bring a smile and invigorate the lives of people it touches. It is the sound of victory, a sign of life. It is heart warming and electrifying.Remember, dead people don't laugh.
Worry robs you of life and youth."If you cant help it,then forget it" I read a quote a couple of years ago that I hold close to my heart. It says:
"Worry looks around"
Regret looks behind
Faith looks ahead"
No matter the situation or how dire it might seem, if you look closely enough, you'll find something to laugh about even in the memory of a loved one.
On my way to school yesterday morning,I remembered it was mere weeks to my birthday. It was cold and drizzling but I had this bounce on my feet. I remembered December 2005, I was pregnant and alone in a foreign country.Four years on,I do not drive a fab car or have the poshiest job but I have a lovely, healthy son and we are not homeless. I lifted my head up in the blistering cold, raised my arms into the air, jumped high and gave a huge laugh.
Passers-by gave me a strange look but I didn't mind because I was happy and not TOO POSH TO LAUGH!!!!! This Christmas and in the run up to the New Year, make a decision to laugh more and share a smile.Whatever the situation, it could have been worse.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Seize the moment

Its been a very busy couple of days for me. An unexpected, rather sudden opportunity came my way and I grabbed it with both arms. I started this blog to keep my mind active and put in action,skills that I have acquired through several trainings. My originial intention and its still in the bag is to develop every idea I have on the blog's dash board but I may have to suspend those for now.
I have learnt in the past four years to embrace every opportunity to develop and better myself without making excuses. The secret to success is to update oneself or be considered irrelevant. That is why most companies spend a fortune on employee training and development.
There is no actual ideal or perfect moment for anything in life. you just have to seize the moment and every chance that comes your way.Life is too short for regrets or wasting of time.Make every moment count. It is better to try and fail than not try at all. Stop making excuses!
You may not have the perfect husband but make your relationship count.Make every moment worthwhile with your partner.
You may not have the perfect job but rather than drag your feet to work, bounce all the way. If not resign and stop whinning and making every other person's day a misery.
I learnt the hard way to stop looking for faults in people rather look beyond the facade, strip the outer layers and see the beauty that lies beneath the surface. There is a diamond in everyone even in the most unlikely candidate.
I lost a brother in 1993 and my only regret was that I never told him how much I loved him as much as I wanted. That my dear, hurts like hell. So now I try to make every relationship count as much as I can.
I had post natal depression after the birth of my son(just finished a project that will soon be aired on radio titled "post natal depression-A Silent Cry". Despite the fact that I carried him for nine months and breast fed him,I never felt like his mother. Motherhood has been the most difficult challenge for me, surprised? well dont be! I survived an accident in which over 60 people died and lost 3 fingers on my right but I adjusted to my physical disabilities just fine.
It took over two years for the maternal bonding to set. I went through the motions of being a mother but never trully felt like one. The worst part was not having anyone to share my feelings with without the condemnation and unfair judgement. Anywho,I came to my senses when I realised I was missing out of my son's early years. I cant really recall his first laughter and all those many significant early stage moments. Thank God the spell was broken and I snapped out of the "trance". Now I see and apreciate him more. Only you can decide how long you wallow in the valley of despair. Even when what you desire is not forthcoming yet, make the best use of your wait.
moreover,you cannot turn back the hands of time but can impact today and change tomorrow.
So what will it be? regrets Or success? The power is in your hands! The choice is yours! Seize the moment and make a difference!