Thursday, 7 June 2012

Seriously need therapy!

He has a lovely smile! Infact, I love the way his eyes twinkle when he smiles! My heart is supposed to skip a beat in anticipation or with longings for more moments like this (atleast according to M&B...thank God wise women have discovered that fictional romantic books aint the best for relationship advice). Rather, my palm was sweaty and my heart skipped a beat in trepidation. What is wrong with me I wondered as I gently ate my Thai curry rice and watched him wolf down his stake and chips(hey! he said he was hungry didnt he?). Aside from the obvious reasons staring me right in the face, why am I scared of him or better still what am I scared of? Its been ages since I was in a relationship aside from that nitwit that i thought would be but never was(shit happens). Today I realised that I am truly scared of any emotional attachment to the opposite sex. For six years I have hidden under the guise of waiting for the right person and saving sex for the marital bed but the truth is how can I give myself when I'm scared shitless about being hurt or making mistakes. I cant even bring myself to give having a relationship a go.Ofcourse, sex outside marriage is a no-no as the bible rightly outlines in Heb 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immorale". But this gal is covering up deeper issues. hmmmm! Sometimes, I tell myself that I'd rather be alone,build my career and have another baby through adoption as I want Josh to have a brother or a sister. Other times I crave the companionship of a partner, someone to call and ask how my day was. I watch some of my married friends and truly desire what they have but other times I love the single life I've built for myself over the years.My date is not as educated as I am neither is he tall dark and handsome but he seemed genuinely nice and wants a real relationship with me. Why am I allowing the errors and hurts of the past hold me back from what might be a beautiful union. I told him we should not rush things and I'll give him feedback after giving the idea of us together another thought but what i trully want to do is crawl under a huge rock and disappear(talk of being complicated). I believe its high time I dealt with the heart of the issue and stop hiding behind excuses, fear, hurt and the past. this sister seriously needs therapy.

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