Never Alone

She sat cross legged in front of the television flipping through the channels with a remote. It’s the second week in November but the screens were already inundated with Christmas adverts. "The commercialization of Christmas, I can never understand", she muttered as she gently rose to her feet to fix her second cup of coffee. She needed the caffeine to get through the drudgery of the day. Her flat mate was away on holidays so she had the whole apartment to herself. It was a much appreciated silence as her flatmate could be very loud and noisy but she missed her sporadic burst of laughter and unpredictable nature. For a brief moment, she considered going over to her Nanna's for the weekend but she killed that thought before it could take hold in her mind. Nana had been putting pressure on her to get married; more so since her younger sister got engaged and was set to marry before the New Year. She didn’t think she could be nice to the seventy two year old woman today, she didn't think she could be nice to anybody today! She wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. She wanted to open her mouth and give vent to the frustration she was feeling inside. She just had this huge urge to cry. She wanted to simply cry! She was so ALONE. The sudden sound of the telephone ringing startled her . It was her Nanna! The sprit old woman had a way of showing up anytime she felt despondent. "Hello honey, are you ok? I just had this irrepressible urge to call you. Is everything ok baby? her familiar raspy voice continued leaving no room for her grand daughter to answer. "I am fine now", the young lady answered and indeed she was. Her Nanna had that effect on her. Her voice was cool, comforting and welcoming.In as much as she was avoiding the old lady, her grandma was a constant yet gentle reminder that she was not really alone and that brought an elusive smile to her face. One of the challenges of living abroad is that constant feeling of loneliness. Far from home and everything familiar I would most times long for my brothers and even the thought of seeing good old chief (my dad) sounded like a good idea...Lol. I had made new friends in my new home, but it never seemed enough! I had settled in my local church but that didn’t seem to fill that nagging void either. It took years of unnecessary tears and self pity before I learnt that because I was feeling alone didn’t mean I was alone. That nagging void I felt at the pit of my stomach could be filled but not with food as I’d been doing but with the lovely relationships I had around me, waiting to be reaped from. I had to consciously break through clouded vision and embrace the relationships around me. God wants us to reap from the lovely relationship He’d mapped for us-A LOVELY RELATIONSHIP IN HIS PRESENCE. You don’t have to feel alone or disconnected anymore. I remember the statement made by the late Pastor Teddy parker who committed suicide after telling his congregation that he “felt” God was not listening to him. Feelings most time don’t mean real! They could be as erratic and sometimes unpredictable as the weather-cool now and warm the next!(talk about a tumulteous Irish weather) "Don't equate the presence of God with a good mood. God is near whether you are happy or not" Max Lucado. God is not erratic. He says “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Heb 31:6. It’s not about how you feel, ITS WHAT THE WORD SAYS. Don’t let your circumstances or feelings distract you from the TRUTH, YOU ARE LOVED AND NEVER ALONE.

I want MORE

Most of the time, I'm a good and well behaved sister . I don't look for trouble and try to stir clear off trouble makers. The major reason is despite my *Herculean looks, Jackie Chan stance and bad ass kung Fu moves*, I'm all mouth and no action! Seriously, I've got the moves in my head but can't seem to translate them into action! But right now I'm protesting! You see, I was driving to church and saw my neighbour washing the wife's car. So what? You may ask. He was washing the car in the blistering cold that's why! Any man can wash the partner's car but only a true lover would stand in the cold and wash the partner's car for the simple reason that he doesn't want her "tarnishing" the family image by driving around in a dirty car. My neighbour’s wife and I had met at the car wash yesterday but we both couldn’t wait because of the long queue. It seemed the whole Athy had turned up at this particular car wash to have their vehicles valeted in time for Christmas. So we left the valet place with extremely dirty cars and planned to return early Monday morning so as to beat the rush. Sadly but without a choice, I returned home. My car is so dirty you would assume I'd been in a mud race! I've been driving the car with a cap almost hiding my face-don't want anyone noticing me in the car that is screaming "if you love me, kindly wash me".

*sigh* so imagine my green eyed feeling when I sighted my neighbour's husband washing her car. I wish I had someone to wash my car especially in the blistering cold. I've been single and very content for the past 6 years. In fact, I've practically evolved into a she-man. I do miss not being in a relationship but I don't allow that to cloud my day or rub me off enjoying life. Most of my friends are happily married and I sometimes crave the companionship that a wholesome relationship gives. I of all people know that there is only so much a single mother can do without much assistance. The work and challenges meant for two people being handled by one....but in all GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL. Christmas and its attending festivities have also heightened my desire to be married. Everywhere I turn, you see families and couples buying gifts and exchanging secret smiles and kisses. Indeed, It’s a season to love and be loved after all Christmas is about FAMILY (if I feel this way at Christmas, let’s not even mention Valentine’s Day. Well, I've decided not worry about that because it’s in the future and God is in control of the future."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Mathew 6:34 . Now you understand why I'm protesting. This afternoon I discovered its ok to protest and crave for more. Wikipedia, the online dictionary describes a protest as " an expression of objection, by words or by actions, to particular events, policies or situations. Jacob carried out some sort of protest in the bible. Gen 32 recounts the story of how he wrestled with an angel on his way to Canaan. After an all-night battle, as the angel wanted to leave, Jacob protested not minding the serious injury that had been inflicted on him "Then the man said, "Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!" But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Gen 32:26. Jacob realised his material wealth and possession were nothing without the blessings of God. He got tired of the struggles and deceit hence he craved more. That's not a bad thing is it? Right now, I’m tired of doing it alone (sleeping alone, planning alone etc.) so I’ve embarked on my own form of protest to challenge my single status. I don't have a placard but I've got my dirty car so I hereby declare that "I will not wash my car until I marry". If a protest was good enough for Jacob then it’s good enough for me!