Saturday, 7 July 2012

Not Ashammed!

Being a single mum was never part of my childhood dreams. As a little girl, I had a clearcut idea of what I wanted to be in future and despite the huddles, I achieved my heart desire and lived the dream albeit for a while. But the challenges I endured as a kid cannot compare with the challenges of being a single mum. I was not prepared! it hit me slambang in the face like a baseball bat(not that I've experienced that before but you get my drift). I had survived emotional trauma of being hurt and all by people but I carried on WELL. Past hurts never prepared me for challenges of single motherhood but I found myself right in the middle of it.Many times I wondered how I would cope. Life was difficult enough coping with myself but how in heaven's name was I supposed to cope with this "little person". But I have coped well and would cope better still. I am not the perfect mum but I'm a good mother. Irrespective of how many times I fall short of my own expectations, there is no denying that I love my son. I would not change him for the world. I remember the pain of rejection and the shame that I lumbered around for 2 years, weighing me down and stealing my joy-THE JOY OF MOTHERHOOD. life drifted gradually. the days rolled into another. I lost the sense of purpose and simply endured the days. Nothing made sense! I lost my sexyness! who would love me? I was unlovable! the man in the mirror told me so! he screamed dirty words at me and I believed! I fell for his lies. I was ashammed and dirty and ASHAMMED. With shame I lost my confidence and with it the twinkle in my eyes. In its place was a bottomless pit of dispair. I couldnt bear it anymore-the pretence! I had done a lot of crying in my young life but those moments hurt more as I felt the errors of my circumstances were my fault. All around me my life had a semblance of fulfillment but deep down the smiles hid the shame, the decay, the rot. I felt a tug at my knees while I was staring out of the window. It was my little boy. his chubby fingers were stretched out for me to carry him. I looked into his eyes. For the first time that day in 2 years I trully saw how beautiful he was. His smile tugged at my heart and something broke. his laughter resounded in my heart as i lifted him into my arms. "My son", I whispered. He smiled and hid his face in my neck. I heard the voice in my heart say "thus art the lord done unto me in the days wherein He looked upon me with compassion and took away my reproach from amongst men"Luke 1:25. The journey to restoration had gently begun. Holding on to guilt, shame and bitterness was hurting my son and I rubbing us off the joy of felloweship with each other. I had missed out on strategic milestones in his young life: the first time he smiled, the first googly sound etc. I consciously decided to forgive myself and bask in the liberation that Christ died for. Mistakes do happen and people sometimes fall but we dont have to necessarilly wallow in the pit of despair as I found myself doing. My lifestyle was contradicting the message of the cross that jesus died on "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new"(2 Cor 5:17).I had been seeing things wrongly all these while! I had been deceived and had believed a lie. I had nothing to be ashammed of! That day, I chose to allow God's mercy restore me. My pregnacy was not a punishment but something to be enjoyed. yes, I got pregnant outside wedlock but I did the honorable thing of giving life to my baby instead of the cowardly option of abortion. I saw myself in the reality of God's WORD. I saw Hope, I saw Joy and felt the tingles of a journey to Newness.

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