Its too late to turn back now. In fact there is nothing to turn back to. So I'll forge ahead and keep trusting. My heart is burdened and heavy but I turn to him who has promised never to leave nor forsake me. Yes, I get angry, frustrated and sometimes doubt His love but i always crawl back. Lord, for how long will the vision tarry? I need your strength.
Its supposed to be a day of celebration but I ended up crying! A simple reminder of a nagging issue made the tears stream. I seem to cry easily these days. To the outside world I strike a strong confident pose but in my inner chambers I'm just a little girl whose warm blanket got yanked away and is now left to seek warmth on her own.
What pains me most is that I know God but I have become familiar with Him. I seem to have a head knowledge and not a revelationary knowledge of His ways. Quoting scriptures, the loud fire brand prayers(u need to see dis sista pray) and endless righteous attitude, d crack is beginning to show..No wonder I'm overwhelmed. Its time to go back to the drawing board, back to the beginning and start afresh. No more Mrs know-all.My James Bond attitude is wearing thin.
I believe one of the issues affecting my relationship with God is that I reason too much when God is asking for simple Faith.
Galatians 2:20-21 " the life i now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.I do not set aside the grace of God;for if righteousness comes through the law then Christ died in vain".
The christian race is by grace and not by our efforts. God did not create you and I to be independent of Him. Neither does He expect us to manouver life's journey on our own strenth-it is nigh impossible and fustrating.2 kings 19 recounts how Elijah was given nourishment by an angel to empower him after he fled from Jezebel. Elijah was at a point that he was fearful and discouraged. He had easily forgotten God's victory at mount carmel in the face of fresh challenges. Just like you and I when beset with problems.Every time we doubt or fear,we simply call God a liar.
I try so hard to be a good girl that I've made a beautiful relationship a burden.I fear failing so much that I've crumbled under the weight of my self inflicted burden. The incessant crying are signs of lack of trust in the Almighty when trust and simple faith are basis for any relationship to thrive.
With renewed purpose, I am going back to the master architect.I'm going back on my kness and i'm letting His plan for my life unfold. I'm tired of struggling and fighting His purpose for my life.its like swimming against a tidal wave(a fruitless venture) I'm not ashammed nor afraid to be weak.God's strength is made plain in my weakness. I refuse to give up on Grace so i'm sailing on the wings of love.
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