The Fault in our Stars.

The title of this post is based on a movie about two teens, Hazel and Augustus who both have different cancer conditions. They met at a cancer support group and their journey of love follows the complexity of living a full life within a short time. Truth is, I have not watched the movie yet but was deeply moved by its promotional clip. The part that caught my attention was when Hazel asked Augustus why he was staring at her. He gave a simple yet profound answer "because you are beautiful".According to the world standard, there is nothing pretty about a girl living with cancer and logging around an oxygen tank to help her breath. But Augustus saw beyond Hazel's challenges and only focused on the beautiful woman trapped within that broken shell. Never mind that Augustus was broken Himself. Knowing his own "brokenness" he connected with Hazel's "brokenness". The cancer was the bridge that brought them together. He did not judge her or condemn her but empathised with her suffering because he was suffering too. He understood her pain, weakness and frailties.

Photo credit IMDB.com

In  a particular scene in Shakespeare's play, Julius Caesar, the noble man Cassius says to Brutus  "the fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves".
We live in a broken world with broken people who deny their brokenness but go about hurting people while hurting themselves.  The world is filled with hurting people trying to heal others when they require healing themselves.These ones end up doing more harm than good "you hypocrite,first take the plank out of your own eyes and then you will see clearly to remove the speck in your brother's eyes" Matthew 7:5 .
The thing is we've all got something in our "eyes". Nobody has perfect vision that is why every man is a work in progress as we journey to perfection.

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I sometimes attend a support group for parents with special needs kids in my area. The aim of the group is for parents to glean from each others experiences and encourage one another. At the meetings we don't laugh at each other but laugh together, bonded by our challenges though some more trying than others. It would be foolhardy to laugh at others when my life aint so perfect itself.
Our challenges might be different but everyone has got an issue whether speck size or plank size. Instead of laughing at others, show understanding!
The fault in our stars is that we spend too much time time judging others instead of empathizing, showing compassion and offering  a helping hand.

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That's why I adore Jesus. He did not come to judge the world but save. John 12:47. He had every right to condemn but he didn't.
Relationships will augur well if people love more and judge less. The fault is not with our stars but in us.Too many broken people acting all put together but broken nevertheless.  We are broken people desperately in need of a saviour. Thank God we may be imperfect but we serve a perfect God who makes all things beautiful in His time.

Accidental Single Mum

So I heard this girl on the bus ranting about how Nigerian girls have imbibed so much of Western culture that single motherhood is now an accepted way of life. She was obviously from Nigeria as I could recognise that heavy Edo accent anywhere. I didn't mind her venting her opinion but her voice was so loud that other people in the bus were turning to see who this "public speaker" was. Her partner became embarrassed as I noticed the gentle nudge he gave her to lower her voice. But there was no getting her to lower her voice or even shush. I wonder who or what had her riled up! From her one sided conversation I guessed she wasn't a mother or a single mother at that-good for her!. More so everyone is entitled to their opinion including my opinionated unknown and unappreciated co passenger.

The issue of single parenthood is still very much controversial in developing countries including Nigeria. A woman with a child and no obvious wedding ring on her finger still gets the occasional odd stare from strangers, family members inclusive. I remember back in the Eighties, a girl who comes home to tell her parent she's been knocked up gets the beating of her life. Some were forced into marriages they were not ready for or even made to terminate the "unwanted pregnancy". However, these scenarios are not unlike what was obtainable in developed countries such as Britain and parts of Europe as well. Some of these "unfortunate women were put away for their "own good" and the babies given away most times never to be seen again. "Everyone" comes out smiling and the family image salvaged. For most of these "unfortunate" girls, the men are nowhere to be found. Most bail out on the pregnant girls leaving them to fend for the fruit of their love "alone". As far as I know, most women don't want to be single parents at least speaking from the perspective of an unmarried mother. Being a single mother is hard work. "Five of you will chase a hundred, a hundred of you will chase ten thousand, and your enemies will fall by the sword before you. Leviticus 26:8.. The bible celebrates team work and its benefits. It is easier for two to arrive at success and its less tedious compared to one person doing all the work. We all want the trappings of marriage at least I did and still do. Even most married couples who eventually break up never envisaged single parenting at the start of the relationship. Sometimes in life we find ourselves in circumstances we never expected so we learn to make lemonade from lemons. The lady that washed the feet of Jesus may have been an accidental prostitute but Jesus was not concerned with how she found herself in that condition, he was more pleased that she was right at his feet seeking a better path. The Pharisee in whose house the events took place on the other hand was unforgiving and self-righteous. I love Jesus's response to the Pharisee’s attitude. "Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little " Many of us are like that - self-righteous and unforgiving also quick to judge. In being so right like the Pharisee, we have become SO WRONG. So my dear young lady, be slow to judge since you may not be privy to the whole story that may have led an enterprising young lady into becoming a single mother. I believe any woman that chooses to give life to an unwanted pregnancy should be encouraged not vilified. This is not in any way supporting pre-marital sex but two wrongs never make a right. I'm pro-life anytime. Learn to love, empathise don't judge....IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

photo curtesy www.lavistachurchofchrist.org www.topnews.in

Death by TV

I love television! Infact, I can sit in front of the television all day and only get up to eat,pee or do whatever is important enough to draw my attention away from my beloved entertainment box. Watching television in itself is not bad but what I actually feed my subconcious with is a major cause for concern. Horror movies, cartoons, you name IT and I'm all over IT. Where is the NEWS in her watch list? Ironic isn't. A news person that doesnt watch NEWS. Aside from my passion for TV -Its made me more loko than normal-its an escape mechanism for me(how else would you explain my love for Homer Simpsons? its unbelievable..lol). Once during a diploma programme, I was asked who would I love to be the next President of the United states and in my poshiest and most confident voice, I said HOMER J SIMPSON! The class erupted in laughter and the lecturer fortunately made a mental note never to ask me any question during the duration of the programme. On a positive side, it helped break the ice in the class as I was the only dark skinned person taking that course. yeah...so I made some friends. One particular Christmas I chose to pay for movies subscription than buy a Christmas tree( still don't regret that decision...watched the most fantastic movies that winter lol) People have different escape mechanisms. some drink, smoke, party and even indulge in recreational sex..Yep! that too. While some actually blank out or walk away from troubling or worrying situations. I watched a documentary recently about a young lady(was actually born a boy that in itself is worrying)who dresses as a little baby, wears diapers, sleeps in a crib and bottle feeds herself as a method of escaping stress. After a psychological assessment, it was found that asking her to stop this damaging habit would do more harm than good. Did I judge her? NO rather I empathised. I don't approve of her choices mind you! More importantly,I'm saddened that she chose not to do something about her negative choices and face her problems instead of hiding behind diapers and baby dresses. Leah had an escape mechanism too. Gen 30 is an account of how she kept having children to solve a deeper emotional issue-get her husband to love her. She felt having more and more children would make her more loved and appreciated as a woman. But childbirth only gave her temporary relief and never solved the underlying issues. I have decided to change my coping mechanism and do something more constructive and instructive with my time. I won't cut off television entirely rather reduce the hours spent infront of it afterall I'm not a zombie! I refuse to be part of the statistics of people who spent over half of their lives glued in front of the television. I WILL NOT BE ZOMBIFIED BY FOX TV..LOL. You don't drink, smoke, womanise? good for you! but I have a weakness and its TV. I won't make excuses for myself or hide behind my challenges but would do something positive about it. "to tackle a great power, you need a greater power"(got that from 9th grade ninja-a cartoon series on Disney..lol see what I mean!). I've decided to meet my television addiction with prayer and the word of God. It's not gonna be easy but I'm positive on this particular life choice. Its not going to be death by tv for me but DEATH TO TV. P.S might start reviewing television programmes atleast sift the crap for you. LOVE YOU HOMIE.

The beauty of EMPATHY

"Old people are smelly and creepy", she said wrinkling her nose. "eeeew", she added for emphasis and shuddered as if cold. "Beyonce is the coolest woman ever and I want to be like her when I grow up", she continued with a smile. The rest of the class bursted into laughter and erupted into an arguement on what is true beauty and what makes a person beatiful. I stared at the group of boys and girls in the youth sunday school and shuddered at the huge work ahead of me. "old people are beautiful! because they are old doesn't make them any less so", another said. "you will get old someday soon", contributed someone else. The joy of teaching! Its a mammoth task but one that I enjoy tremendously. Teaching the youths, mind you, the adults know too much already...lol. I watched my motley crew again as the arguements bounced back and forth, taking note of each contribution and thinking of answers to every question(did I say the adults know too much already? hmmm! I wonder where these kids get their information from...lol).

I call them my motley crew. They are all bright, vibrant and young but also very different. Offshoots from different homes and backgrounds. Framed by different circumstances and further confused by what the world has to offer which differs outrightly from what the church has to say( dont even mention the epileptic actions of us adults). I have learnt a lot working with these young ones. Everyone of them requires a different approach in as much as the goal is the same. I don't criticise neither am I shocked by some of their utterances or contributions rather I empathise with them. The truth is some of them do not know any better so who can blame them? Rom 10:14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? I would not treat the person who is from a dysfunctional home the same way I would a person from a two-person family unit. It doesn't mean the product of the latter family is any better. It just wouldn't work. Believe me, I know DYSFUNCTIONAL!. When I was growing up my family put the FUNK in DYSFUNCTION (lol...got that from Joel Osteen but it describes my family). It took the gentle loving hands of God to heal my hurts and mould me into the beautiful woman I know I am. Gentle, kind words go a long way people. There is a time for the firm hand but also a place for empathy and understanding.2 Cor 1:4 "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ...". If you've had a crappy childhood, you'll know how to work with a child in that situation by extending the love that God has healed you with into that innocent soul. Iniatially, I had a problem empathising with my son. I tried relating with him like other children but Josh is differrent! He requires a more gentle approach. It took me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that my son has special needs(now you've made me cry!..it breaks my heart everytime but GOD IS FAITHFUL). I have to deliberately love when its difficult to love and understand his challenges. The reward is a beautiful smile and wet kisses that I get when mummy gets its right and doesn't shout like a mad woman(lol....cries again but with joy). That my friend is empathy. My devotion today taken from UCB.IE reiterates this point. Gen 33:13 recounts the reconcilliation of Jacob with Esau. Esau wanted to move everyone to his house for the "family reunion party" but Jacob said "you go ahead!..the children are weak and the flocks and heards which are nursing are with me...if the men should drive them hard..the flock will die..I will lead them at a slow pace...the livestock and the children are able to endure". Jacob knew that everyone could not move at the same pace. We all learn at different pace and God knows that about us. That's why He is gentle and longsuffering. He understands our frailties. Having suffered much at the cross Jesus still forgave. Luke 23:34 Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Empathy does not mean tolerating rubbish or being a push over, its just a gentle reminder that before you jump off the rails berating anybody there might be a story behind that attitude and your empathy might be the key to unlocking the beautiful personality hiding behind that veil.1Cor 13:4 "Love is patient and kind". Pictures from a night out with my peeps