Accidental Single Mum

So I heard this girl on the bus ranting about how Nigerian girls have imbibed so much of Western culture that single motherhood is now an accepted way of life. She was obviously from Nigeria as I could recognise that heavy Edo accent anywhere. I didn't mind her venting her opinion but her voice was so loud that other people in the bus were turning to see who this "public speaker" was. Her partner became embarrassed as I noticed the gentle nudge he gave her to lower her voice. But there was no getting her to lower her voice or even shush. I wonder who or what had her riled up! From her one sided conversation I guessed she wasn't a mother or a single mother at that-good for her!. More so everyone is entitled to their opinion including my opinionated unknown and unappreciated co passenger.

The issue of single parenthood is still very much controversial in developing countries including Nigeria. A woman with a child and no obvious wedding ring on her finger still gets the occasional odd stare from strangers, family members inclusive. I remember back in the Eighties, a girl who comes home to tell her parent she's been knocked up gets the beating of her life. Some were forced into marriages they were not ready for or even made to terminate the "unwanted pregnancy". However, these scenarios are not unlike what was obtainable in developed countries such as Britain and parts of Europe as well. Some of these "unfortunate women were put away for their "own good" and the babies given away most times never to be seen again. "Everyone" comes out smiling and the family image salvaged. For most of these "unfortunate" girls, the men are nowhere to be found. Most bail out on the pregnant girls leaving them to fend for the fruit of their love "alone". As far as I know, most women don't want to be single parents at least speaking from the perspective of an unmarried mother. Being a single mother is hard work. "Five of you will chase a hundred, a hundred of you will chase ten thousand, and your enemies will fall by the sword before you. Leviticus 26:8.. The bible celebrates team work and its benefits. It is easier for two to arrive at success and its less tedious compared to one person doing all the work. We all want the trappings of marriage at least I did and still do. Even most married couples who eventually break up never envisaged single parenting at the start of the relationship. Sometimes in life we find ourselves in circumstances we never expected so we learn to make lemonade from lemons. The lady that washed the feet of Jesus may have been an accidental prostitute but Jesus was not concerned with how she found herself in that condition, he was more pleased that she was right at his feet seeking a better path. The Pharisee in whose house the events took place on the other hand was unforgiving and self-righteous. I love Jesus's response to the Pharisee’s attitude. "Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little " Many of us are like that - self-righteous and unforgiving also quick to judge. In being so right like the Pharisee, we have become SO WRONG. So my dear young lady, be slow to judge since you may not be privy to the whole story that may have led an enterprising young lady into becoming a single mother. I believe any woman that chooses to give life to an unwanted pregnancy should be encouraged not vilified. This is not in any way supporting pre-marital sex but two wrongs never make a right. I'm pro-life anytime. Learn to love, empathise don't judge....IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

photo curtesy www.lavistachurchofchrist.org www.topnews.in

I want MORE

Most of the time, I'm a good and well behaved sister . I don't look for trouble and try to stir clear off trouble makers. The major reason is despite my *Herculean looks, Jackie Chan stance and bad ass kung Fu moves*, I'm all mouth and no action! Seriously, I've got the moves in my head but can't seem to translate them into action! But right now I'm protesting! You see, I was driving to church and saw my neighbour washing the wife's car. So what? You may ask. He was washing the car in the blistering cold that's why! Any man can wash the partner's car but only a true lover would stand in the cold and wash the partner's car for the simple reason that he doesn't want her "tarnishing" the family image by driving around in a dirty car. My neighbour’s wife and I had met at the car wash yesterday but we both couldn’t wait because of the long queue. It seemed the whole Athy had turned up at this particular car wash to have their vehicles valeted in time for Christmas. So we left the valet place with extremely dirty cars and planned to return early Monday morning so as to beat the rush. Sadly but without a choice, I returned home. My car is so dirty you would assume I'd been in a mud race! I've been driving the car with a cap almost hiding my face-don't want anyone noticing me in the car that is screaming "if you love me, kindly wash me".

*sigh* so imagine my green eyed feeling when I sighted my neighbour's husband washing her car. I wish I had someone to wash my car especially in the blistering cold. I've been single and very content for the past 6 years. In fact, I've practically evolved into a she-man. I do miss not being in a relationship but I don't allow that to cloud my day or rub me off enjoying life. Most of my friends are happily married and I sometimes crave the companionship that a wholesome relationship gives. I of all people know that there is only so much a single mother can do without much assistance. The work and challenges meant for two people being handled by one....but in all GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL. Christmas and its attending festivities have also heightened my desire to be married. Everywhere I turn, you see families and couples buying gifts and exchanging secret smiles and kisses. Indeed, It’s a season to love and be loved after all Christmas is about FAMILY (if I feel this way at Christmas, let’s not even mention Valentine’s Day. Well, I've decided not worry about that because it’s in the future and God is in control of the future."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Mathew 6:34 . Now you understand why I'm protesting. This afternoon I discovered its ok to protest and crave for more. Wikipedia, the online dictionary describes a protest as " an expression of objection, by words or by actions, to particular events, policies or situations. Jacob carried out some sort of protest in the bible. Gen 32 recounts the story of how he wrestled with an angel on his way to Canaan. After an all-night battle, as the angel wanted to leave, Jacob protested not minding the serious injury that had been inflicted on him "Then the man said, "Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!" But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Gen 32:26. Jacob realised his material wealth and possession were nothing without the blessings of God. He got tired of the struggles and deceit hence he craved more. That's not a bad thing is it? Right now, I’m tired of doing it alone (sleeping alone, planning alone etc.) so I’ve embarked on my own form of protest to challenge my single status. I don't have a placard but I've got my dirty car so I hereby declare that "I will not wash my car until I marry". If a protest was good enough for Jacob then it’s good enough for me!

Perfectly Normal

"Sit down Joshua", I screamed. "Don't make me come after you", I continued, straining to grab him as he made a dash for the stairs . Next I knew he was bouncing and jumping on the bed. "Nevermind, I told myself and gave up the chase. Josh could go on and on running round in circles, bouncing on the chair, barely sitting for the whole day. Its enough to drive any sane person mad. I imagined his hyperactivity is related to autism or aren't little boys meant to be quiet? WRONG!!!. I don't have any experience with little children except the one I've garnered from being Joshua's mum which isn't much I presume. I have this belief that Joshua has to behave in a certain kind of way. you know cool calm and collected, prim and proper, gentlemanly etc. So any bad behaviour outside this "picture in my head" must be a feature of autism. Imagine my surprise when a friend's son practically drove the mother nuts at a church event. The poor woman was at her wits end with absolutely no clue on what to do and how to get him to behave. David is a perfectly normal six year old boy without any known health challenge or was I missing out on something. I realised I was! Joshua has been displaying perfectly normal behaviour all along. Boys will be boys. They climb, jump and make a mess,its what little kids do. However, this does not excuse bad behaviour. All this while,I had allowed the doctor's diagnoses to rub me off the joy of enjoying my son and his boyish antics. I had allowed my perspective on "NORMAL" be clouded. I had allowed the label "AUTISM" be linked to my son. Lesson learnt! never allow the facts of a given situation to rub you off the truth of God's word. The fact is Josh has this health challenge but THE TRUTH is "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" James 1:17. Josh is a gift from God therefore he is PERFECTLY NORMAL. Challenges and storms are perfectly normal in our ever changing world but we decide whether to stress, fret, wail and lament in the storm or enjoy the ride and trust God no matter how painful the experience might be. Moreover, Jesus never promised a trouble free ride. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33. I have not had a job since college and was initially very bothered but not anymore. In the wake of the economic recession a lot of people are unemployed but some groups are still making money....very much indeed. So instead of dwelling on the recession I've sought ways to develop and improve myself. I choose to believe that ITS ALL GOOD despite the "famine". The truth is, its not about how terrrible the situation is but your perspective of God in that situation. So your perspective matters! Maybe like me, you are having a rough time and think there is something wrong with you. Hold that thought! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Instead of leaning on your limited understanding, trust God and remember you are not alone. There are many people going through similar tough situations like you. After watching that woman and her son, I realised its all good with Joshua. So go on darling, jump some more but don't break my bed!!!.

Laughing out loud.......The Grace Factor

"lololool....” I chuckled as I watched the choir struggle to learn the song for Sunday's ministration. Sister Temilola looked so serious with a hint of a twinkle in her eyes knowing she had missed her lines. As for the younger ones-they were lost in the drama of the song yet enjoying every moment of the rehearsals. "lololololo"....This time around, I couldn't control myself but burst into unbridled laughter. wow! How did I find myself here? How did I find myself in the midst of a motley crew of people with no singing experience whatsoever! None of us could hold a musical note even if our lives depended on it. I was not only a member of this motley crew but also the queen of the crew (yeah, you heard that right...lol). but seriously, someone has a lot of explaining to do. Someone who can't sing, leading a group of people who can’t sing professionally, think of a well cut-out job for a novice(custom made wahala). My friends in Nigeria laugh their heads off when I tell them I'm in the Choir. "who put you there? they ask and have a good laugh at my expense. (no be una fault...yeye people. Lol). I tend to ask myself that question too. This piece is being written by a girl who was practically chased out of the choir in Nigeria because I couldn't sing. The first time was in the university. My group in the church had decided to render a Christmas carol as part of events marking the end of year celebrations. After hearing my voice, the head of the group did not have the heart to drop my part but managed to squeeze in a space for my special singing abilities. (My very good friend consoled me with the assurance that at least I looked good on camera) The second time around, the lady in charge held nothing back and told me "Gladys, you’re better off not singing at all but later allowed me to sing the YAH in HALLELUYAH. (wicked Tunwashe...lol). After that, I gave up the my vision of being Nigeria's own Celine Dion.*sigh* I joined the choir in Ireland as a result of a series of unfortunate incidents. The church had split and very few members were left. I noticed a niche in the choir and decided to join and help out. Your guess is as good as mine, they had no choice but to accept me..lol! I later told God that If I had to do this then I had to do it right. I prayed for the grace to sing and here we are today. I still don't know much about singing but I do know about "God's grace to help". Same with my crew. I work with a group of people who are not perfect by the world's standard but are ready and willing to sing the praise of their God. And that's the heart God is seeking. John 4:23 "Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks". The world has certain rules and guides on how things are done and what qualifies people for certain positions but IT IS GRACE THAT QAULIFIES not any special qualification or abilities. The Samaritan woman in John 4 had lived her life weighed down by where and how one ought to worship until she meet Jesus (what a relief she would have felt. No more climbing the mountain or travelling up to Jerusalem to worship) Unfortunately most Christians are still bound by rules, rules, and more rules. Imagine the shock experienced by so called learned folks when Peter and John faced them in the temple proclaiming the gospel of Jesus. They acknowledged that the two disciples were simple men ordinary *bloody Fishermen*( for good measures). When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus . Peter and Job were not qualified to address the Sanhedrin but Grace showed them up (in your face Sanhedrin people...that's how we roll in Jesus). 1Cor 1:27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong Ever wondered why certain people seem to do something so well without the apparent no-how? It’s simply the GRACE FACTOR. I've got friends in ministry even in everyday businesses who find themselves doing what they are doing and doing it well nonetheless. No Masters or PHD but a heart that pants after God. My crew and I have a LOOOOOONG way to go but appreciate God for choosing and using us anyways. We've gone for ministerations in other churches that God showed up not because of our singing proweress but "FOR HIS GREAT NAME SAKE". How AWESOME. Amazing things do happen when a heart is yielded and trusting in God The following day's service was HILARIOUS!!!. Of course, I forgot the lyrics of the song, sang off key but danced through it all. God loves me still and I'll keep singing to His glory. Go on, have a good laugh at my expense. God really does have a sense of humour.lololol

Humpty Dumpty had A GREAT FALL

I grimaced as a sharp pain shot through my elbows. I tried desperately to stem my fall with my hands as I tumbled down the stairs. For a split second, I thought my head would hit the bottom last stairs before I plunged into darkness. Thank God, I caught myself just in the nick of time. Gently, I lifted my bruised body and sat down. I hurt all over and my hands felt as if it had been mauled by a mountain bear. “Nothing broken, thank goodness! I exclaimed in the pitch dark. I’d woken up to the sound of my alarm but realised it was not at its usual place at my bedside. Rather the annoying sound was coming from my phone which I’d forgotten downstairs. Sleepily, I FELT for the stairs. Stupidly, I didn’t switch on the light as I didn’t want to wake Joshua. He was deeply asleep and I didn’t want him to wake up that early because it was a Saturday. Next thing I know, this lil missy was rolling down the stairs. Not switching on the light at the time seemed like a very good idea. I have lived in my house for the past four years and was VERY familiar with its every nook and cranny. Manoeuvring a couple of stairs in the dark should be a piece of cake- It was anyway till I found myself at the bottom of the stairs with more than a bruised ego.

What was I thinking? What if I’d been seriously hurt or God forbid broken my neck? Poor Josh would have woken up to see his mum hurting downstairs. The little darling would have assumed I was playing and may have joined me on the floor not understanding that mummy was badly hurt and needed help. How would he even call for help when he couldn’t talk? Thankfully, the scenario did not play out like my overactive imagination. My morning adventure reminds me of the mishaps that we sometimes get ourselves into, consequences of unfortunate dilemmas’ that would have been easily avoided if we’d only taken necessary precautions. The necessary precaution in my escapade was to SWITCH ON THE LIGHT. I read a fellow blogger’s pain on peoples’ attitude towards sex especially unprotected sex. (You should check it out-http://asitwasnotinthebeginning.wordpress.com/). Joie’s pain was further heightened being an HIV carrier herself. She knows the challenges and stigma associated with the illness and wonders why people would still deliberately jeopardise their lives for the pleasure of unprotected sex despite media campaigns and advocacies on the dangers of SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES AND NEED FOR PROTECTED SEX. Some people still express profound trust in their partners not to cheat on them or break their hearts but these things do happen. People change and trust gets broken (except in relationships where both partners fear God and abstain from premarital sex) The plus side of teaching in a youth ministry is that you have the opportunity to share some of your experiences with them-both the good and the bad sifted through the word of God. Ironically, most of them think they are in control and want to try everything…you know EXPERIMENT (blame that on youthful exuberance). But the truth is, most seemingly harmless fire do get out of control and can burn, maim and even kill. A young lady once boasted to me that she could control a romantic situation….Erm! You think? Even if you can, can you vouch for the other person? How many times have you heard or even spoken the word, “I thought I knew what I was doing” or even thought you knew the other person only to find yourself getting hurt”. I would have had a good laugh at the expense of anyone who would have dared to predict I’ll ever be a single mother. My baby's dad was the epitome of sweetness and love……how Ironic! I’ve learnt feelings cannot sustain a relationship because feelings change. Most divorced couples give INCOMPATIBILITY and IRRECONCILLIABLE DIFFERENCES as the major causes of marital breakups. One partner suddenly realising he or she did not really know the other. HOW SAD!!!.....but GOD IS CONSTANT. Mathew 24:35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away…..and that my friend is INFALLIBLE. God did not send HIS WORD to cramp our style rather to help us surmount challenges and navigate every life situation. You don’t have to fall flat on your face or get hurt before reaching out for help. Unlike Humpty if you’ve taken a rough tumble and had a great fall, HELP IS JUST A PRAYER AWAY AND GOD CAN PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER AGAIN (pic curtesy http://karaloutopia.blogspot.ie)

Crossing Boundaries

What were you thinking Coco? Allowing a man that is not your husband nuzzle your neck in a sexually provocative way? Bad enough you put yourself in that position but having the picture posted on the public sphere? Ice has every right to be upset! I love Coco and Ice and was really disappointed when I saw those pictures. I don't approve of the work Coco does but I love her and I think she and Ice look cute together. Ice is obviously smitten with her. But she really did cross the line by cozing up to a man that is not her husband and allowing him plant kisses on her neck and cheeks. It is disrespectful to her husband even if it was a publicity stunt. There is no reason good enough to justify that picture. That's crossing the line babes! Every relationship has its boundaries. These boundaries exist for a purpose, to keep in or keep out. It will be downright inappropriate for a stranger to ask me about my sex life even If we've been introduced. I remember giving a pastor a dirty slap at age twelve when he deliberately brushed his hands against my breasts while admiring the golden buttons on my shirts. At that age I knew his action was inappropriate. My mum was appalled at my actions but I was in the situation and saw the man's dirty looks. if I could go back in time and was caught in that same situation, would I repeat my actions? fcourse I would and sneak in a killer punch for good measures! He crossed the lines and he got hit. Sometimes we butt into other peoples' business out of concern and we feel offended if the other party gently or rudely puts us back in our space. Some people trully take their personal spaces seriously and would do anything to protect it. I have a friend who's been engaged forever and she doesn't take it kindly if anyone wants to give a "friendly advice". so I've learnt to respect the boundaries she'd set up on her private life. Its simply not my business unless she invites me into it. As a single mother, I've set up boundaries to protect my son and I. Some men like to take advantage of single mothers because of their vulnerable positions feeding on the woman's emotional and physical needs. They pretend to love the woman's children and use that to get her. Its sad, but true. so I've learnt to be careful about who I let into my life, dont want my son having too many "uncles"..lol. Some think I'm too strict, that I've got too many rules. The truth is that my rules don't only keep unscrupulous characters out of my life but also keep me safe. Imagine a man coming to my house for the first time and suggesting he would love to spend the night? but why! because I'm single and live alone doesnt make me a loose woman!

Coco got a backlash for her behaviour from her husband and she deserved it. Ice T wrote via twitter to his errant wife "Don't get it twisted, I'm not happy about this s**t. Most of (the pictures) are disrespectful and in bad taste. She's made me look and feel like s**t. I say this on Twitter because there's no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple," ( though I dont approve of a twitter bashing as the appropriate corrective measure but you get my drift). Marriage has its boundaries that is why there are unwritten codes about expected behaviours from married couples. Though most of 21st century marriages confuse me but that's gist for another day. It is expected that both couples should be faithful to each other as well as protect and defend their relationship from external corrosive influences. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Eph 5:25 In Nigeria for instance, a married woman is expected to dress and behave in certain way as part of her marital status. That includes cutting off every ties with past relationships and covering most of her "wares". Though its for private display, It doesnt necessarilly mean she has to be a prude..lol Boundaries are necessary that's why the bible encourages us to put a check on our tongues. You dont just say anything because you've got a tongue or have what to say. Sometimes silence is the best retort you can give in a conversation going south. I have a younger sister that I sometimes feel goes way overboard in everything. she is such a blessing and I have to consciously reign myself in and not constantly butt into her business. Even as sisters we have boundaries that need to be respected no matter the intention. There is a consequence for every action either or good or bad. I hope Coco learns from her misaction and please Ice...forgive Coco. (pictures curtesy www.stylebistro.com)

My Help

I remember the first time I met *Simi*. It was at a church event and she'd offered to take me home as my ride to the program was still busy. Simi was a single parent beautiful and elegantly attired. She drove a lovely car and seemed to have it all. Trust me to be carried away by her blings. Imagine my surprise when she turned up at my doorstep the next day for a chat. During the usual "girl talk", she excused herself to make a call. Aproko that I was (still am), I heard her begging the person on the other end of the call for €50. "Please dear, give me the money I'm very broke and barely have fuel in my car and the kids don't have what to take to school", she kept pleading. This went on for over 30 minutes till her credit ran out. With a sigh, she sat at the dinning table with a defeated look. "Simi", I called. "please don't mind my eaves dropping. The person you've been begging for money is he your boyfriend? "No, he's not, but he's been seriously asking me out", she answered. "and you've been begging him for €50 for over 30 minutes and he did not even offer to help you with €20? I asked really amazed. "my sister wetin I go do", she asked almost teary eyed. "the financial burden is just too much". I offered to loan her the money as I couldnt bare to see a fellow sister in need. It didn't matter that I barely knew her. One common problem suffered by most single parents is in the area of FINANCES. Having to cope and sustain a family single-handedly can be financially crippling and stressfull to anybody.Electricity bills, road tax, insurance, groceries, house rent, family committments, bills bills! How does one cope without going off on a limb or compromising one's values. In my sujourn as a single parent, I've noticed that most men refuse to support their ex-wives or partners simply because the love has gone south between them even when children are involved. It is absolutely irresponsible of any man that does not live up to his resposibility as a father to his children no matter the story between him and their mum! Leaving these ladies in vulnerable situations and most resorting to whatever means to survive is simply unfair!. I know some that were abandoned and left to cope with huge debts and morgage to pay.

I woke up this morning trying to sort my monthly bills. I had to decide which bills needed urgent payment and those I could differ till next week. My roadtax is due for renewal and so is the electric bill. Despite this seemingly urgent needs, I still consider myself blessed. I have learnt to be prudent and not spend money on every whim that catches my fancy. This is called FINANCIAL WISDOM. Some women have this natural urge to compete with others.They have to drive the latest car, carry the latest bag, use expensive perfumes and wear designer outfits. These things in themselves are not bad if you can afford them but not at the expense of your family or having to borrow or sleep around to maintain an outlandish lifestyle. You can still look good on a budget ask Gok Kwan(He's my favourite fashion stylist). I have learnt to balance my finances, pay my bills on time and still save for the rainy day. I've purposed not to compromise my virtues for whatever reason. GOD WILL MAKE A WAY. I don't know how or when but I KNOW HE WILL. I am also blessed to live in a society where the government supports its citizen no matter how small the support is(at all at all na im bad pass). In the early days of my pregnancy when I was alone and traumatised by rejection, my greatest worry was how to cope with a child when I could barely look after myself. God reassured me in Isaiah 54 and I've held strongly to those promises. "For your Maker is your husband,the Lord Almighty is his name" vrs 5. Since then, God has been my husband satisfying every financial and emotional need so I don't have to beg or compromise myself. He can also help you find that balance if you'll only let Him. Society will fail, man will disappoint but I've found God to be an "ever present help in times of trouble". David was forgotten by his own father but God remembered him and promoted him from an ordinary shepard to a King. How awesome! Feeling lonely, abandoned and rejected? God can Help! Its His business to help.

MONSTER TO MUM

"Hello, is that Joshua's mum?", the strange voice on the phone asked. It was the nice lady from my son's school. My heart pounded in my chest and I wondered what it could be this time. The past few days had been stressful.The daily reports on his school journal had been full of one complain or the other and I had literarilly had it up to my neck and didnt think I could take one more negative report. It was what I feared and worse! Joshua required urgent occupational and speech therapy which the school could not provide because it did not have access to such services. Sad isn't it? A special needs class not having vital support services because of bottlenecks in the Irish Health Services. More like lack of proper planning and execution of relevant necessary programms by the HSE.Heartbreaking!. After dropping the call with Joshy's teacher, my initial reaction was to wrap myself in a ball and cry my heart out but I didn't. No more tears from this lady. Crying helps relieve built up emotional pain but does not provide long time solution to any problem. I did what I'm learning to do in any troubling situation-TURN TO GOD. "lord", I prayed. "you heard what the lady said. Josh has speech and occupational needs. the teachers are at a loss on what to do and I don't know what to do as well". Phil 4:19 ,But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus . Only you can supply joshy's need and I trust you have". I wish I could say that after the prayers, the situation immediately disappeared. It didn't but my perspective changed. I was no longer weighed down but rather relieved! The system is limited and and can only give "this much" help. They are humans afterall and run by less than perfect humans!. The past years as Joshua's mum have been the most challenging in my life. I could handle being pregnant and alone but never bargained for autism. Do I regret the choices I made? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Though I gave up some seemingly "important" positions and opportunities at the time to have a baby, I now realise no amount of money or freedom can compare with the joy of those tiny hands wrapping themselves around me and those slushy kisses. In the early days of his diagnoses, I was understandably angry and blamed the lil lad for everything and even blamed myself. Ofcourse, the devil fed my bitterness afterall "he is the accuser of the brethen. I contantly rapped myself on the head thinking my son was "broken" because I was "broken" too! "why, why why me? I asked no one in particular but quickly learnt that beating myself up would not yield any positive result. I had to deal with the situation at hand. I've had to deal with shame and pity. I remember the times, I feared taking him out to the Mall worrying that he might throw a tantrum or let go of my hand and grab a stranger. Or the pity looks you get from parents who understood or weird looks from people who assume your child is plain unrully. How many people will you explain or apologise to? With time, that haze of bitterness and anger was removed and I now see better. As a single mum there are always challenges that are made even more challenging with a special needs child but those little hiccups are small compared with the joys of motherhood. I've had to face rejection from men who bail out the moment they realise your child's condition despite their initial profession of love(wetin eye never see). Nonetheless, in all GOD IS FAITHFUL. I admit there is still so much work to do but I celebrate every milestone we've achieved together. Joshy hasn't said any clear sound but he understands everything I say. He is also a delight to have in the kitchen probably because He knows my being in the kitchen means something yummy will emerge...lol.

Having a child has taught me how to be responsible and less selfish with my time, desires and resources.(I even learnt to bake...nothing much I admit just sausage roll but I tried..lol). His comfort tops my every agenda and I don't mind that anymore. Every child deserves to be loved and appreciated no matter the challenge or circumstances surrounding the birth. I've learnt there is more to life than a career no matter how beautiful it might seem. Though it is possible to have it all but my order of priority has changed Moreover,Autism is not a death sentence and I KNOW God will perfect the healing work that Christ died for in the life of my son. HE IS FAITHFUL TO HIS WORDS. Because of you Joshy, I'm a better person. I applaud you for turning this monster into a MOTHER. You make my life so beautiful. I hear the school bus. My baby is home.

Looking Up.

Happy new month all. 2012 has been a fantastic year for me and I'm so appreciative. It has not been entirely drama free but in the midst of all my challenges, I've learnt a lot. I have discovered more of my weaknesses, some behaviours and attitudes that I never imagined were dormant in me or that I had at all. Above all, I have discovered how strong I really am. Seriously, you never know who you really are untill you are faced with a never before experienced challenge. Most importantly, my challenges never overwhelmed me even when I faltered emotionally, I always come out smiling having learnt a lesson or two from the situation. I'm learning to deal with my anger issues. Yep, anger and bitterness over my past. It's so easy telling one to let go of the past but when underlying issues are not properly addressed, they would eventually fester and affect the future causing more damage. So I am addressing those festering wounds while looking forward to the future. I've also learnt that if I want to trully enjoy that glorious future that is mine, there is the urgent need to carefully and dilligently deal with these matters once and for all."Do not remember the former things,nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth;Shall you not know it? " Isaiah 43:18-19. For God to work his will perfectly in a person's life there must be that sincere acknowledgement of one's weakness and the need for His strength and help. On this journey of healing and transformation, the lord has been my strength and guide. I've learnt to lean and depend on Him constantly.When I find myself digging into that "bag of gaggage" which contains basically crap and lies that the enemy made me believe and carry over the years, I exchange them with the truth of God's words. It works all the time. (never even realised I was still carrying them around!) For instance when I'm feeling low, I just tell myself over and over that "the joy of the lord is my strength". I choose God's words over the devil's. Negative words inflict wounds while the word of God soothes and heals. No wonder I was constantly overwhelmed as a negative attitude is comparable with a dark cloud that broods nothing but storm and bad weather. "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us" Heb 12:1 Its been a slow but eventful journey. I'd expected to be "all that" but worried that I was not "all that". Dreams and aspirations seemingly not happening yet. In it all I'm Grateful. some of the reasons for my initial discontent was a result of comparing myself with other people whom I felt were doing better than me or were doing what I desired. Until I learnt to appreciate who I am as an individual and where I am, I was never happy. Moreover, the bible says "he that compares himself to another is FOOL" and nobody wants to be called a fool. So I gave myself a much needed nudge in the butt . Like a recovering alcholic, I'm taking little baby steps, not worrying but "running the race that is set before ME) not running another person's race as that only leads to fustration and eventual depression. Until I changed my perspective I was stuck in an emotional rot. I am learning to be CONTENT in all things not LETHAGIC but content and daily appreciating God for the gift of life. As I do these, life has become easier and less stressful because I've learnt to trust "The owner of Life". I remind myself its not so much the destination as much as the beauty of the journey. My life is an unfolding story and I'm learning to enjoy the narration. Its not fast paced as it used to be neither is it boring. The tempo is much different and I'm evolving into the beatiful, confident woman that I'm so grateful for. Despite my challenges- josh's diagnoses, my unemployement etc-I'm leaning more and more on God instead of whinning and complaing even crying but trusting God all the way. After all He started all this....so I'll give Him DRAMA trust me! lol. But its not all bad, Infact its not bad at all rather everything is LOOKING UP and what a PICTURE its turning out to be.